How to Fall

{ 19th April 2017 }

I performed one of my pieces solo for this year's recital.

Told a story through loops and a monologue.

This is a transcript of that monologue.
Oh, the reason why I suddenly switched to Mandarin at the beginning was because the person this was about was there and I chickened out. Half of my mind started frantically translating the whole monologue to Mandarin before the other half of my mind took over, told me to breathe, and be brave.

Update: 18th June 2018
This was my submission for the Daisie 100, here's the synopsis that accompanied it:
This performance was for my 2nd year college recital. It details a friendship that I hoped could become something more, but ultimately disappointed and hurt me.
This performance marked a growth in myself as an artist and a person. It was the first time I was able to let myself and all the emotion I had hoarded within me go. The first time I finally found the courage to share my true feelings with the world. The first time I performed something that was honest, that was true, that was real, that was me.
It also documents the last time I held on to these feelings, as after this I finally found the strength to move on from this person.

~

One day, all of this will just be another story to tell.

There are so many things I want to tell you but I don't know how.
Like how I never wanted to be your friend,
Or get close to you, but then
One night I got a little bit drunk,
Texted you some junk,
Expecting no reply.
I just wanted to tease,
Not disturb the peace,
But then you asked me, "why?"

Why am I asking you stupid questions?
Why am I questioning your friendship?
You asked me if I was ok,
Do I want to talk? You called me and said:
"Don't hide from your feelings."
But the truth is, I'm not,
I'm just hiding them from you.

Your voice was shaking.

I asked: "are you ok?"
You said "yeah." But even if you weren't, would you have said?
I told you I could stop caring.
You said you didn't want me to stop caring.

But what if we don't stay the same?

~

We stopped talking again.
It doesn't eat away at me as much as it used to.
I told myself that you weren't worth the tears
But it doesn't matter, because they fell anyway.

But I guess what really hurts the most is after all this time,
When I put you first, but finally I
Want to be selfish, what do you do?

Every time that you felt bad,
Every time that you felt blue,
What did I do?
I was there for you.
But what about me,
What happened when I was mad?
What about me,
What happened when I was sad?
What did you do?

What if we're never the same again?

~

Lately it's been getting easier for me to walk away.
It's not entirely painless, I still feel a tugging at my chest
But it doesn't hurt enough for me to want to stay.
Previously, I would have stayed, would have waited.
You don't need me, you have never needed me.

Maybe this is it,
Maybe this is when I finally stop caring.
Maybe this is when I finally accept things for the way they really are.

I guess we'll never be the same again.

~

On this day, it all became just another story to tell.

~